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I feel... sad, I think.
Reading several journal entries I've kept from last year's retreat, I can see the way I've grown. Pero one thing na hindi ko na talaga kaya ay ang angkinin ang lahat. I believe that I am not a bad friend. Matagal ko nang sinuppress ang mga thoughts ko, and hindi ko na kayang itimpi ang mga bagay na matagal nang kumukulo sa aking dibdib. People easily get a wrong image about me.
Sige na, for the long time, let me be the bad friend. Let me be the prodigal one. Sige na, ako na. Pero hindi eh. Friendship ba? Kung friend talaga ang tingin mo sa isang tao, hindi mo siya ile-label as a "bad friend". In a friendship, there is no such thing as a good friend and a bad friend. I'll speak in this journal about something that I've kept my silence for a long time. Allan.
Unlike you, hindi ako galit. Maraming mga bagay na hindi mo alam ukol sa akin, at hindi tamang i-assume mo na ang mga decisions ko ay maipapaliwanag ng gano'n kadali. Hindi ako gaya mo na kung naapektohan ay ipinapahalata kaagad. Hindi lang talaga ako ganon. Kung naapektohan man ako, akin na iyon. It is not right for you to assume that you know the right thing, nor was it right for me to keep the real feelings hidden if I wanted the friendship to grow. I have reasons, there are explanations behind my choices.
Ako ba ngayon ang mean? Isa sa mga bagay na hindi mo naintindihan ukol sa akin ay hindi ako nagtatanim ng galit. Oo, madali akong mairita, pero hindi ako nagtatanim ng galit. I wasn't talking about you sa Vampidian journal ko about the Xmas party. Ibang usapan yon, at walang kinalaman sa issue between us. Yes, there is no denying that you are a loving person, but there is also no denying that as much as you have the capacity to love, you also have the great ability to hate. Believe it or not, you have it much more than I do. I am not an anti-Christ nor an "anti-Kingdom". I believe in God and feel love for him greatly, but just because I express it so differently than how other people do does not mean I am agnostic.
Yes, we had six years of friendship. I was able to learn from and about you as much as you from me. Malakas ang kutob ko na nung nagcomment ako kay Jerson na the three of us had two LJ accounts, you were wondering how I knew you had another one. Answer: the last time na nag-usap tayo sa phone, tinanong mo sa akin kung bakit ako gumawa ng isa pang account. Then, sinabi mo rin na gagawa ka ng isa pang account kung saan magsusulat ka ng friends only entries lamang. Sinabi mo na papangalanan mo ito bilang "anak ka ng shet" ayon sa isa mong favorite expression. Hindi kita iniintriga ukol sa mga nilalaman nito dahil alam ko kung ano ang pakiramdam ng isang taong nais magkaroon ng personal space and a way to express our thoughts that most people don't really expect. It's your journal, and I honestly say hindi ko siya iniintriga. No doubt you were wondering. Hindi ko binasura ang mga natutunan ko sa iyo for the past six years, I still know how you react to certain issues.
Regarding what I said earlier about thoughts na hindi ko na sinabi about you, this is a public journal, hence not a venue for me to tell you or to talk about it. The thoughts and secrets I kept for the past six years are still secrets that I've told no one. Hindi kita sinisiraan or bina-badmouth if you were wondering. I, also, am not worried about you telling bad tales about me. Alam ko na you're a good person. Hindi mo gagawin yun ayon sa Allan na nakilala ko.
Here's another thing na malakas ang kutob kong dumaan din sa isip mo. Regarding caroling: you said once before that there are some things only TNTs can understand. I guess yun din ang masasabi ko about caroling. I invite you to hear us out. Sayang, hindi ka nakahintay nung Xmas party nung prinesent namin yung mga songs for the newbies. I also invite you to try it out with us. All members of the community are invited, even if just as spectators or photographers.
The last thing I feel strongly about is this: I think you've probably cried about this. Masasabi ko na hindi ko pa iniiyakan ito, pero hindi dahil hindi ako apektado or dahil manhid ako, or dahil wala akong paki. I've grown to express my grief differently. That much is expected from a person who's gotten tired of crying (because of so many reasons).
There are many aspects of me that you don't know yet. Yeah, I was a bit of an idiot. I should have told you about them in honor of our bestfriendship. That was my mistake, and for that, I am sorry.
You were probably wondering kung bakit one time tumambay ako sa ANI room at umiyak ako, I'll tell you the story about it if you still care enough to ask. I'm saying sorry, but I also believe that I'm not the only one who should.
I'm tired of this. If you want to talk, tara. Aaminin ko, I want the different aspects of my life to be as far apart as possible, kaya hindi ko kinekwento sa'yo yung mga nangyari sa akin regarding my life outside of family and acads. So, in honor of our friendship, I'll tell you about them if you still want to hear about them.
And, last, hindi na ako Goth. Nor do I hate the world, nor am I numb. I don't doubt that you've read my Vampidian journal. There are some entries na alam kong magrereact ka. If there are entries na hindi mo talaga alam kung saan nanggaling, sige, ask me, I'll tell you.
Again, sorry. |
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Dec 9: Thursday
I.C.: Had lunch kanina with I.C. more precisely, ice cream lang sa Shakeys. Lunch date niya with Cy dapat, but hiya siya kausapin. So ayun... Sorry, tinatamad ako magsulat.
Fred: Ka-chat ko siya kanina. He just went offline. |
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Here, I'll be posting kilig moments with my two current crushes.
Dec. 3: Task Force Noah day
I.C.: Spent half the afternoon piling and sorting stuff for typhoon victims. Spent two hours with him in Makro looking for stuff. Spent another 4 hours together in Dencios at Bro Eric's dinner thing. We had our own world that night.
Fred: He called me from across the long table just to say goodbye. That's a start.
Dec. 4: Saturday
Fred: Caroling. Inakbayan ko siya to say goodbye.
Dec. 5: Sunday
I.C.: Caroling din. Then Starbucks after.
Dec. 7: Tuesday
I.C.: Caroling practice with I.C., then dinner after. Kasama dapat namin si Jubs at Gian, but umalis sila ng maaga. Two hours kami magkasama sa Bento Box.
Dec. 8: Wednesday
I.C.: Went out. Metroeast muna 'coz we wanted to watch One Missed Call. When we were waiting, we went to the arcade and it sucked, so we tranferred to Sta. Lucia. Played some games in Worlds of fun, while waiting for Birth to start. then we saw the movie, and hindi ko manlang namalayang tapos na yung movie kasi mas nakatingin ako sa kanya. Basta, the point is, for the first time, nagka Atenean crush ako na game gumimik when I get bored!
haha, yan muna for now |
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Nov. 13th, 2004 @ 07:36 pm
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I have no idea what to do. with my free time, that is. Can you believe I still found time? haha, I want to devote it to arts and crafts, but bahala na :D |
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I wanna dance with so many people...
Marky
Alpe
Fred
Joboy
I.C.
hehe, my CLC top five...
shucks, ang cliquish ko... |
| » Shucks, retreat na! |
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Where did the year go? Shucks, ang bilis! Retreat na ulit! Damn...
Well, it's not that I'm complaining or anything, but where the hell did the year go? Parang ilang buwan pa lamang ang nakalipas mula nung pagkabasag nung Magnum Silencium last year. At ngayon, ito'y haharapin kong muli sa katagalan ng limang araw, muli ko nanamang gagambalahin ang Panginoon mula sa sarap ng kanyang pagtulog. Limang araw ng nakaririnding katahimikan, at ito'y magsisimula na bukas.
Hehe, para sa mga hindi alam kung ano ang aking tinutukoy, ako'y miyembro ng isang organisasyon, and Ateneo Christian Life Community. At kada sembreak na dumarating, kami'y dumadayo sa kung saang Retreat House upang manahimik ng limang araw. As in five. And as in tahimik. No talking, speaking, cellphones, radios, tv, reading non-religious stuff... even the basic eye contact is forbidden. Haha, mahirap ito para sa akin, dahil mahilig akong tumingin sa mata ng mga tao (at lalo na sa mata ng mga hindi ko kilala). At feeling ko mahihirapan din ako dahil mag-re-retreat din ang crush ko (arghh.... distractions...).
Pero sa halip ng lahat ng mga ito, hindi parin ako makapaghintay! Retreat na sa Sabado! At sa Sacred Heart pa! Yehey! Distraction man ang tawag ng iba, excitement naman para sa akin! Bakit, ka'mo? Dahil and Sacred Heart Retreat House ay kilala bilang ang pinaka minumultong Retreat house na kayang kunin ng Ateneo. Astigins! Ang masaya pa, dahil nga Silent Retreat ito, kung meron mang mga makakakita sa mga kasama ko, hindi sila maaring mag-ingay dahil tapos ang retreat nila! Uwi kagad sila sa bahay nila! HAHA!!! Eh ako? Kebs ko ba kung meron mang multo diyang umaaligid-aligid. Subukan lang nila kong lapitan, at HA!
Shucks, di ko na mahintay! Todo pictures na 'to!!!
Ho well... But putting all bullshit aside, excited na nga talaga ako. Pagdaanan mo nga ba naman kasi ang semestreng nire. Ubos ang enerhiya mo sa katawan, isipan, at pati kaluluwa. Limang araw ng katahimikan = limang araw ng pahinga = limang araw upang hanapin ang tinig ng Diyos. (Naalala ko lang last year, unang araw pa lamang, tinamaan na ko. Sarap, pare, the best feeling in the world.)
Sabi nila'y hindi 'raw matinong naglalagay ng expectations para sa retreat, pero hindi mo naman talaga maiiwasan eh. Kung sabagay, bakit mo nga naman ikukumpara ang mga retreat na iyong pinag/pagdaraanan. Pero kahit na! Bawasan ko man ang aking mga ekspektasyon ay marami parin akong balak gawin! Dahil hindi rin kami pwedeng manamin nang nakaka-distract (ibig-sabihin hindi ako pwedeng magpaka full goth, pseudo goth lang), pwede naman kaming magdasal sa sarili naming mga pamamaraan. Kahulugan: hindi man goth sa pananamit, goth naman sa ibang aspeto! Itim na kandila, insensong pinapatulan ang lukso ng dugo, mga kadenang binabalot sa katawan bilang simbolo ng pagpipigil ng sarili... lahat ng ibang ito'y pwede kong gawin! Excited na ko!!!
...
Pero para sa ngayon... ipagdasal nyo muna ko. Kita-kits sa isang lingo!
Oct. 14th, 2004 @ 11:11 pm
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| » What happened kanina |
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Talked to Robbie kanina. And there I was, thinking that I'd probably never need to have an I.C. with any of the L.C. Hehe, kinda felt foolish at first, 'cause he's not a person who I'd approach readily if I had some problems. It wasn't awkward though... Basically, I was finally able to voice out my non-academic concerns lately. That the Fire of Service have died out and the Spirit of Volunteerism separated itself from me. Not just with ACLC, but with ANI, GK, and Pathways na rin. I'm dry. Like the supernova I deemed to be, I've gone out. I need a recharge.
But another thing we talked about was how I've gotten separated from the Way of Life. How everything seems so bland and boring from this side of the road. How I've gotten to care less and less about the people, both as a community and as individuals. Yeah even _e__o. Sure, I'm making something for him, but that don't mean much profoundity, really. It may seem special, yeah, but not really (to me, at least). I really wondered why I'm committing to CLC. No, that ain't right... I think I'm wondering why I didn't commit to CLC. Yeah, I think that's the big question. I'm actually looking forward to the EvSem na. Too bad I probably won't be there. Damn...
Well, we got to thinking. He said that I'm going through something common (called the sophomore jinx). Yeah, maybe I am. Oh well...
I'm starting to doubt whether I should give the scrapbook to him at all. Maybe the retreat is a bit to unappropriate a venue for such. Maybe nga... I don't really know... I want to, but suddenly I'm doubting. Hah. Here's me, the guy who can forge on despite fear. Oh well... Hmmm, yeah... Maybe, just to live on to my name... I will forge on... I will not allow fear...
Oct. 12th, 2004 @ 05:46 am
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| » no I.C. tomorrow |
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I'll be jogging tomorrow with Sabs instead. I.C. backed out, said he wanted to study. Understandable, andmittedly. No meat diet day # whatever. lost count.
I won't be saying much now. I'm kinda tired from the University of Makati conference. Next entry will be really deeper.
Oct. 4th, 2004 @ 07:31 am
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| » I can feel |
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What surprised me about today was the realization that I can still feel. The comment I wrote in Sathien's journal was pretty surprising. I was surprised that I could still feel through my numbness. I may be cerebral in most matters, but my cerebellum still conencts with my heart. I'm looking forward to Tuesday, my next jog date with I.C., and possibly with Sabs din. It's nice to feel physically tired rather than emotionally tired. Does that count as running away?
Oct. 3rd, 2004 @ 10:30 pm
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angelli_rebelli's journal