Obsidian Akasha

Para akong ibong nakawala sa hawla (tama ba spelling ko?)

2004-12-22T06:32:44Z

I feel... sad, I think.

Reading several journal entries I've kept from last year's retreat, I can see the way I've grown. Pero one thing na hindi ko na talaga kaya ay ang angkinin ang lahat. I believe that I am not a bad friend. Matagal ko nang sinuppress ang mga thoughts ko, and hindi ko na kayang itimpi ang mga bagay na matagal nang kumukulo sa aking dibdib. People easily get a wrong image about me.

Sige na, for the long time, let me be the bad friend. Let me be the prodigal one. Sige na, ako na. Pero hindi eh. Friendship ba? Kung friend talaga ang tingin mo sa isang tao, hindi mo siya ile-label as a "bad friend". In a friendship, there is no such thing as a good friend and a bad friend. I'll speak in this journal about something that I've kept my silence for a long time. Allan.

Unlike you, hindi ako galit. Maraming mga bagay na hindi mo alam ukol sa akin, at hindi tamang i-assume mo na ang mga decisions ko ay maipapaliwanag ng gano'n kadali. Hindi ako gaya mo na kung naapektohan ay ipinapahalata kaagad. Hindi lang talaga ako ganon. Kung naapektohan man ako, akin na iyon. It is not right for you to assume that you know the right thing, nor was it right for me to keep the real feelings hidden if I wanted the friendship to grow. I have reasons, there are explanations behind my choices.

Ako ba ngayon ang mean? Isa sa mga bagay na hindi mo naintindihan ukol sa akin ay hindi ako nagtatanim ng galit. Oo, madali akong mairita, pero hindi ako nagtatanim ng galit. I wasn't talking about you sa Vampidian journal ko about the Xmas party. Ibang usapan yon, at walang kinalaman sa issue between us. Yes, there is no denying that you are a loving person, but there is also no denying that as much as you have the capacity to love, you also have the great ability to hate. Believe it or not, you have it much more than I do. I am not an anti-Christ nor an "anti-Kingdom". I believe in God and feel love for him greatly, but just because I express it so differently than how other people do does not mean I am agnostic.

Yes, we had six years of friendship. I was able to learn from and about you as much as you from me. Malakas ang kutob ko na nung nagcomment ako kay Jerson na the three of us had two LJ accounts, you were wondering how I knew you had another one. Answer: the last time na nag-usap tayo sa phone, tinanong mo sa akin kung bakit ako gumawa ng isa pang account. Then, sinabi mo rin na gagawa ka ng isa pang account kung saan magsusulat ka ng friends only entries lamang. Sinabi mo na papangalanan mo ito bilang "anak ka ng shet" ayon sa isa mong favorite expression. Hindi kita iniintriga ukol sa mga nilalaman nito dahil alam ko kung ano ang pakiramdam ng isang taong nais magkaroon ng personal space and a way to express our thoughts that most people don't really expect. It's your journal, and I honestly say hindi ko siya iniintriga. No doubt you were wondering. Hindi ko binasura ang mga natutunan ko sa iyo for the past six years, I still know how you react to certain issues.

Regarding what I said earlier about thoughts na hindi ko na sinabi about you, this is a public journal, hence not a venue for me to tell you or to talk about it. The thoughts and secrets I kept for the past six years are still secrets that I've told no one. Hindi kita sinisiraan or bina-badmouth if you were wondering. I, also, am not worried about you telling bad tales about me. Alam ko na you're a good person. Hindi mo gagawin yun ayon sa Allan na nakilala ko.

Here's another thing na malakas ang kutob kong dumaan din sa isip mo. Regarding caroling: you said once before that there are some things only TNTs can understand. I guess yun din ang masasabi ko about caroling. I invite you to hear us out. Sayang, hindi ka nakahintay nung Xmas party nung prinesent namin yung mga songs for the newbies. I also invite you to try it out with us. All members of the community are invited, even if just as spectators or photographers.

The last thing I feel strongly about is this: I think you've probably cried about this. Masasabi ko na hindi ko pa iniiyakan ito, pero hindi dahil hindi ako apektado or dahil manhid ako, or dahil wala akong paki. I've grown to express my grief differently. That much is expected from a person who's gotten tired of crying (because of so many reasons).

There are many aspects of me that you don't know yet. Yeah, I was a bit of an idiot. I should have told you about them in honor of our bestfriendship. That was my mistake, and for that, I am sorry.

You were probably wondering kung bakit one time tumambay ako sa ANI room at umiyak ako, I'll tell you the story about it if you still care enough to ask. I'm saying sorry, but I also believe that I'm not the only one who should.

I'm tired of this. If you want to talk, tara. Aaminin ko, I want the different aspects of my life to be as far apart as possible, kaya hindi ko kinekwento sa'yo yung mga nangyari sa akin regarding my life outside of family and acads. So, in honor of our friendship, I'll tell you about them if you still want to hear about them.

And, last, hindi na ako Goth. Nor do I hate the world, nor am I numb. I don't doubt that you've read my Vampidian journal. There are some entries na alam kong magrereact ka. If there are entries na hindi mo talaga alam kung saan nanggaling, sige, ask me, I'll tell you.

Again, sorry.

too much

2004-12-09T15:38:25Z

Dec 9: Thursday
I.C.: Had lunch kanina with I.C. more precisely, ice cream lang sa Shakeys. Lunch date niya with Cy dapat, but hiya siya kausapin. So ayun... Sorry, tinatamad ako magsulat.

Fred: Ka-chat ko siya kanina. He just went offline.

Let this journal be known from this day forward as my crush journal.

2004-12-08T14:09:48Z

Here, I'll be posting kilig moments with my two current crushes.

Dec. 3: Task Force Noah day
I.C.: Spent half the afternoon piling and sorting stuff for typhoon victims. Spent two hours with him in Makro looking for stuff. Spent another 4 hours together in Dencios at Bro Eric's dinner thing. We had our own world that night.

Fred: He called me from across the long table just to say goodbye. That's a start.

Dec. 4: Saturday
Fred: Caroling. Inakbayan ko siya to say goodbye.

Dec. 5: Sunday
I.C.: Caroling din. Then Starbucks after.

Dec. 7: Tuesday
I.C.: Caroling practice with I.C., then dinner after. Kasama dapat namin si Jubs at Gian, but umalis sila ng maaga. Two hours kami magkasama sa Bento Box.

Dec. 8: Wednesday
I.C.: Went out. Metroeast muna 'coz we wanted to watch One Missed Call. When we were waiting, we went to the arcade and it sucked, so we tranferred to Sta. Lucia. Played some games in Worlds of fun, while waiting for Birth to start. then we saw the movie, and hindi ko manlang namalayang tapos na yung movie kasi mas nakatingin ako sa kanya. Basta, the point is, for the first time, nagka Atenean crush ako na game gumimik when I get bored!

haha, yan muna for now

angelli_rebelli @ 2004-11-13T19:36:00

2004-11-13T11:29:06Z

I have no idea what to do. with my free time, that is. Can you believe I still found time? haha, I want to devote it to arts and crafts, but bahala na :D

I wanna dance...

2004-11-04T15:50:44Z

I wanna dance with so many people...

Marky
Alpe
Fred
Joboy
I.C.

hehe, my CLC top five...

shucks, ang cliquish ko...

Shucks, retreat na!

2004-10-15T06:12:02Z

Where did the year go? Shucks, ang bilis! Retreat na ulit! Damn...

Well, it's not that I'm complaining or anything, but where the hell did the year go? Parang ilang buwan pa lamang ang nakalipas mula nung pagkabasag nung Magnum Silencium last year. At ngayon, ito'y haharapin kong muli sa katagalan ng limang araw, muli ko nanamang gagambalahin ang Panginoon mula sa sarap ng kanyang pagtulog. Limang araw ng nakaririnding katahimikan, at ito'y magsisimula na bukas.

Hehe, para sa mga hindi alam kung ano ang aking tinutukoy, ako'y miyembro ng isang organisasyon, and Ateneo Christian Life Community. At kada sembreak na dumarating, kami'y dumadayo sa kung saang Retreat House upang manahimik ng limang araw. As in five. And as in tahimik. No talking, speaking, cellphones, radios, tv, reading non-religious stuff... even the basic eye contact is forbidden. Haha, mahirap ito para sa akin, dahil mahilig akong tumingin sa mata ng mga tao (at lalo na sa mata ng mga hindi ko kilala). At feeling ko mahihirapan din ako dahil mag-re-retreat din ang crush ko (arghh.... distractions...).

Pero sa halip ng lahat ng mga ito, hindi parin ako makapaghintay! Retreat na sa Sabado! At sa Sacred Heart pa! Yehey! Distraction man ang tawag ng iba, excitement naman para sa akin! Bakit, ka'mo? Dahil and Sacred Heart Retreat House ay kilala bilang ang pinaka minumultong Retreat house na kayang kunin ng Ateneo. Astigins! Ang masaya pa, dahil nga Silent Retreat ito, kung meron mang mga makakakita sa mga kasama ko, hindi sila maaring mag-ingay dahil tapos ang retreat nila! Uwi kagad sila sa bahay nila! HAHA!!! Eh ako? Kebs ko ba kung meron mang multo diyang umaaligid-aligid. Subukan lang nila kong lapitan, at HA!

Shucks, di ko na mahintay! Todo pictures na 'to!!!

Ho well... But putting all bullshit aside, excited na nga talaga ako. Pagdaanan mo nga ba naman kasi ang semestreng nire. Ubos ang enerhiya mo sa katawan, isipan, at pati kaluluwa. Limang araw ng katahimikan = limang araw ng pahinga = limang araw upang hanapin ang tinig ng Diyos. (Naalala ko lang last year, unang araw pa lamang, tinamaan na ko. Sarap, pare, the best feeling in the world.)

Sabi nila'y hindi 'raw matinong naglalagay ng expectations para sa retreat, pero hindi mo naman talaga maiiwasan eh. Kung sabagay, bakit mo nga naman ikukumpara ang mga retreat na iyong pinag/pagdaraanan. Pero kahit na! Bawasan ko man ang aking mga ekspektasyon ay marami parin akong balak gawin! Dahil hindi rin kami pwedeng manamin nang nakaka-distract (ibig-sabihin hindi ako pwedeng magpaka full goth, pseudo goth lang), pwede naman kaming magdasal sa sarili naming mga pamamaraan. Kahulugan: hindi man goth sa pananamit, goth naman sa ibang aspeto! Itim na kandila, insensong pinapatulan ang lukso ng dugo, mga kadenang binabalot sa katawan bilang simbolo ng pagpipigil ng sarili... lahat ng ibang ito'y pwede kong gawin! Excited na ko!!!

...

Pero para sa ngayon... ipagdasal nyo muna ko. Kita-kits sa isang lingo!

cute link.

2004-10-13T08:22:09Z

http://www.mycgiserver.com/~jtran/subliminal.swf

What happened kanina

2004-10-12T13:01:30Z

Talked to Robbie kanina. And there I was, thinking that I'd probably never need to have an I.C. with any of the L.C. Hehe, kinda felt foolish at first, 'cause he's not a person who I'd approach readily if I had some problems. It wasn't awkward though... Basically, I was finally able to voice out my non-academic concerns lately. That the Fire of Service have died out and the Spirit of Volunteerism separated itself from me. Not just with ACLC, but with ANI, GK, and Pathways na rin. I'm dry. Like the supernova I deemed to be, I've gone out. I need a recharge.

But another thing we talked about was how I've gotten separated from the Way of Life. How everything seems so bland and boring from this side of the road. How I've gotten to care less and less about the people, both as a community and as individuals. Yeah even _e__o. Sure, I'm making something for him, but that don't mean much profoundity, really. It may seem special, yeah, but not really (to me, at least). I really wondered why I'm committing to CLC. No, that ain't right... I think I'm wondering why I didn't commit to CLC. Yeah, I think that's the big question. I'm actually looking forward to the EvSem na. Too bad I probably won't be there. Damn...

Well, we got to thinking. He said that I'm going through something common (called the sophomore jinx). Yeah, maybe I am. Oh well...

I'm starting to doubt whether I should give the scrapbook to him at all. Maybe the retreat is a bit to unappropriate a venue for such. Maybe nga... I don't really know... I want to, but suddenly I'm doubting. Hah. Here's me, the guy who can forge on despite fear. Oh well... Hmmm, yeah... Maybe, just to live on to my name... I will forge on... I will not allow fear...

no I.C. tomorrow

2004-10-04T14:33:30Z

I'll be jogging tomorrow with Sabs instead. I.C. backed out, said he wanted to study. Understandable, andmittedly. No meat diet day # whatever. lost count.

I won't be saying much now. I'm kinda tired from the University of Makati conference. Next entry will be really deeper.

I can feel

2004-10-03T14:33:59Z

What surprised me about today was the realization that I can still feel. The comment I wrote in Sathien's journal was pretty surprising. I was surprised that I could still feel through my numbness. I may be cerebral in most matters, but my cerebellum still conencts with my heart. I'm looking forward to Tuesday, my next jog date with I.C., and possibly with Sabs din. It's nice to feel physically tired rather than emotionally tired. Does that count as running away?

I'm gloomy...

2004-10-02T01:40:00Z

These are what come out of my mind, when I'm gloomy. Automatic writing 'toh, meaning hindi pa edited.

#1
Some say he wished too hard
Some he wished too long
But even if they were so right
they always thought they're wrong
The stars stood witness
The trees stood ground
The wind sang his name at night
while making not a sound

He walked along desserted streets
Alone, unsettled, at peace
Midnight came, the sky was black
no one saw him cease
Then daylight came, the horizon glowed
And towards it he ran
Apollo's arrows shot him down
and then, he was gone

Dreams may come, and they will reign
From dusk 'til dawn, my mind they'll stay
A warning though for all to see
My mind is Darkness, on dreams I feed

MGA TAUHAN
Jigs Fresh grad. Kabarkada ni Yumi. Magtatrabaho bilang researcher sa isang financial firm.
Yumi Commercial Model. Kabarkada ni Jigs. 2 years ahead kay Jigs.

TAGPO
Gabi. Sa isang kwarto ng isang beach resort. Naglalatag ng kumot si Jigs sa sahig habang inaayos ni Yumi ang kanyang higaan.

YUMI Sige na, Jigs. Huwag ka nang magpaka-gentle man. Naaawa ako sa¹yo e. Tabi na tayo sa kama.

JIGS Hindi, okay lang ako dito.

YUMI Huwag ka nang maarte. As if naman re-rapin kita no. Malaki naman itong kama e. Hatiin na lang natin sa gitna.

JIGS Sure ka?

YUMI Hindi mo naman siguro ako mamanyakin no?

JIGS (Matatawa) Okay ka lang?

YUMI Kung gusto mo, gamitin na lang natin iyang kumot na divider.

JIGS Good idea.

Isasampay nila ang kumot mula sa kisame para mahati ang kama sa gitna. Magsesettle down ang dalawa. Ilalabas ni Jigs ang libro niya: ³Puppy Love and other Stories² ni F. Sionil Jose. Si Yumi naman ay magpapatugtog ng Japanese Zen Music habang nagsa-zazen.

YUMI Do you mind?

JIGS No, go ahead. I¹m just reading.

Magsa-zazen si Yumi. Magbabasa si Jigs. Pareho silang di maka-concentrate. Papatayin ni Yumi ang CD player niya.

YUMI I can¹t believe our friends.

JIGS Oo nga e.

YUMI Dapat ginagawa nila 'to sa mga bagong pasok sa barkada o kaya sa bagong...ay oo nga pala. Bagong graduate ka. Congrats.

JIGS Thanks.

YUMI So what¹re your plans?

JIGS Kinukuha akong researcher sa ADB. Kinukuha rin ako ng BPI sa OTP nila.

YUMI Wow naman. In demand.

JIGS Di naman masyado. Who the hell invented this tradition anyway?

YUMI (Matatawa) You won¹t believe it.

JIGS Ikaw?

YUMI Malay ko ba na mabibiktima rin ako nito balang-araw.

JIGS So why did you start it?

YUMI Wala ka pa sa tropa nun e. Freshman ka pa lang siguro noon. Wala lang. Napagtripan lang namin si Ronald. E may crush siya kay Meg. Noong unang beses magpunta rito ng barkada, sabi ko, magsimula kami ng tradition. Ilo-lottery namin ang pangalan ng mga lalaki at ng mga babae. Kung sino ang mabubunot, silang dalawa ang pagsasamahin sa isang kwarto sa loob ng tatlong araw. And then, we¹ll all see what happens. Pero dinaya namin noon yung kay Ronald at Meg. Puro Ronald at Meg ang mga pangalan na nakalagay sa lottery.

JIGS (Tatawa) Ang sama ninyo!

YUMI Kaya nga nakarma na ako e.

JIGS So is our case, dinaya? O talagang lottery?

YUMI (Teasing) Ano sa dalawa ang gusto mo?

JIGS Feeling ko may nagtrip sa¹kin sa barkada e.

YUMI Excuse me po, dalawa tayong biktima dito. I don¹t see any reason kung bakit tayong dalawa ang sasadyaing biktima this year, unless may crush ka sa¹kin na di ko alam at alam nila (tatawa).

JIGS Baka ikaw (tatawa).

YUMI The success rate of this tradition is 100% so far.

JIGS I was here na the 2nd time. Si Chris at si Cia ang biktima.

YUMI And last year were Rod and Kay. They¹re getting married kailan? Sa June yata.

JIGS What do you expect? Ikukulong mo ang isang lalaki at isang babae sa isang kwarto for three days, imposibleng walang mangyari doon!

YUMI That was exactly my point. (Ngingiti)

JIGS E kung may madisgrasya?

YUMI Ano¹ng disgrasya?

JIGS Alam mo na 'yun!

Hahawiin ni Yumi ang divider nilang kumot.

YUMI Ano? Sex? Pa¹no kung magsex sila? Nakakatawa ka naman. Di mo masabi.

JIGS Ang alin?

YUMI Ang sex!

JIGS Hah!

YUMI Sige nga sabihin mo nga?

JIGS Para kang tanga. Tumigil ka nga.

YUMI Shet, Jigs. Graduate ka na totoy ka pa rin!

JIGS Excuse me?

YUMI Sabihin mo nga: ³Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex!²

JIGS Para kang bata, Yumi ha.

YUMI You used to call me ate Yumi when you were in third year.

JIGS Well, graduate na po ako, ate Yumi.

Tahimik.

JIGS Hmmm. I wonder if we¹re gonna last three days.

YUMI (Teasing) Bakit? Ayaw mo sa¹kin?

Di sasagot si Jigs.

YUMI We¹re gonna survive this one.

JIGS What makes you so sure?

YUMI No offense, Jigs. I honestly find you very attractive pero I¹ve no time for this. Alam mo naman siguro na kaka'

JIGS Same here.

YUMI Same here what? Na you find me attractive o you don¹t have time for this? (Matatawa)

Di sasagot si Jigs. Tahimik. Io-on ulit ni Yumi ang CD player at ipagpapatuloy ang zazen. Itatabi ni Jigs ang libro. Nawalan na siya ng ganang magbasa. Pupunta siya sa ref. Bubuksan niya ito.

JIGS Hah! (Sarcastic) Perfect! Red Wine! How very conducive.

YUMI May chips ba diyan?

JIGS Sa awa ng Diyos, may tsibog naman.

Papatayin ni Yumi ang CD player. Tatayo siya at kukuha ng chips sa ibabaw ng ref.

YUMI Since we¹re gonna be stuck naman with each other for three days, might as well make the best out of it di ba? I-enjoy na lang natin.

JIGS What do you mean?

YUMI Get the wine, let¹s have a drink! 50 hours to go na lang and we¹re gonna be the first failure of this tradition.

JIGS Oo nga. (Kukunin ang wine. Maglalagay sa dalawang baso.) When they chose Cia and Chris, naiintindihan ko pa e. Lalo na sina Rod and Kay. Kung baga, tinulungan lang natin silang umamin sa isa¹t isa. Pero us...

YUMI Weird ng barkada natin no?

JIGS To our barkada and our weird traditions!

YUMI To us, the first failure of this tradition!

Magto-toast sila at iinom.

JIGS Sige, ate Yumi. Let¹s make our stay here more interesting...

YUMI What¹s with the ate?

JIGS Fine...

Bubuksan ni Yumi ang chips. Uupo sila pareho sa sahig para magkwentuhan.

JIGS Let¹s play twenty questions.

YUMI Sige! Ano yon?

JIGS Each of us will have ten questions each. Tatanungin kita,tatanungin mo ako, mga gusto nating malaman sa isa¹t isa. Alternate tayo. Pero the thing here is, you can¹t ask the question that I already asked.

YUMI That¹s pretty interesting.

JIGS At bawal magsinungaling.

YUMI Fair enough. Pero whatever is said inside this room remains in the room. Ok?

JIGS Of course. You wanna start?

YUMI No. I want to ask the last question. (Ngingiti at kikindatan si Jigs)

JIGS Smart move. Game. First question: Ano ang greatest frustration mo sa buhay?

YUMI Nge. Ang korni naman ng tanong mo. Walang ka-challenge-challenge. Ask me something na mag-iisip naman ako.

JIGS Simula pa lang e.

YUMI Sige. Ano nga ba...?

JIGS Akala ko ba walang ka-challenge-challenge?

YUMI Wag kang maingay, nag-iisip ako...I¹m a frustrated ballet dancer.

JIGS Talaga?

YUMI I took lessons when I was six pero umayaw ako. Wala kasi akong disiplina e. Mas gusto kong makipaglaro sa mga kalaro ko. Pero I really enjoy watching ballet dancers. When I see them dance parati kong naiisip na sana, ako rin. There! Ang dali naman ng tanong mo. Walang thrill.

JIGS Appetizer lang. Yari ka sa¹kin mamaya.

YUMI We¹ll see. Ako naman: Did you ever have doubts about your sexuality? I mean, kahit minsan ba, naisip mo na bakla ka?

JIGS Never.

YUMI Bilis ng sagot a.

JIGS Coz I never entertained the idea.

YUMI Homophobe ka ba?

JIGS Alternate tayo sa tanungan, di ba?

YUMI So, not once? Kahit konti? Kahit what if lang?

JIGS I¹m straight, okay?

YUMI I¹m not asking if you¹re gay or not. I¹m asking kung...

JIGS Never nga.

YUMI We all thought na you were gay. Well at least nung first few months mo sa tropa before you introduced your girlfriend to us.

JIGS What?! You thought I was gay?!

YUMI E pa¹no kasi, masyado kang mabait. Ang pogi-pogi mo, pero parang allergic ka sa mga babae. Over ang pagiging gentleman mo. Too good to be true. You have a good body, it seems that you work out pero iniisip namin front mo lang yun. Kadalasan kasi front ng mga bakla ang pagiging maganda ng katawan nila at pagiging sporty...

Tatawa lang si Jigs.

YUMI So we thought it¹s either that or you were planning to become a priest.

JIGS What?!

YUMI Well, you were always this goody-goody person. Pumupunta ka sa chapel. Nangungumpisal, nagsisimba...

JIGS The way you said it, parang equivalent ang dalawa a.

YUMI Of course not. I didn¹t mean that!

JIGS I take my faith seriously. That doesn¹t make me gay!

YUMI So you did want to become a priest...

JIGS Hindi rin. Actually, I always wanted to raise a family...and be a father.

Tahimik.

YUMI So you¹re not gay.

JIGS No.

YUMI You never...

JIGS Ilang beses ka ba ipinanganak? Kulit mo e. It¹s my turn.

YUMI Homophobe ka no?

JIGS Hindi kaya!

YUMI Whatever...

JIGS Ako na, daya mo naman e.

YUMI Okay, okay. Shoot me.

JIGS How do you see yourself five years from now?

YUMI You expect to win this game? Ang kokorni ng mga tanong mo e.

JIGS The object of this game is not to win.

YUMI E ano pa ba?

JIGS To get to know the other person.

YUMI Sure. Basta ako, I will win this game. Walang thrill ang isang game kung walang nananalo.

JIGS Sagot.

YUMI May time limit ba Eto? (Tatawa) Wine pa nga.

JIGS Sabi nga nila: in vino veritas.

Magsasalin si Jigs ng wine.

YUMI Masarap ang wine, ha? Saan kaya nabili ito? (Iinom) To answer your question, either maging entrepreneur ako, magsisimula ako ng sarili kong botique or bar, o kaya, magiging artista ako sa pelikula.

JIGS Not bad.

YUMI Pero mukhang malabo yung stint ko sa movies. Tough ang competition e. Saka mahina ang manager ko. Panay hosting at pictorials ang nakukuhang raket para sa akin. Papalitan ko na nga e. Pag nakaipon ako, baka magtayo na lang ako ng botique.

JIGS (Magbibiro) Ayaw mo mag-bold?

YUMI Yuck!

JIGS Lahat ng gustong mag-artista doon dumadaan.

YUMI May talent naman ako kahit papano a!

JIGS Lahat naman ng bold star may talent a! Sa dibdib! (Tatawa)

YUMI (Hahampasin ng unan si Jigs) Bastos ka talaga! Akala ko goody-goody ka...Hindi ko papatulan ang pagbobold kahit anong mangyari no! Kahit ganito ako, may respeto pa rin naman ako sa sarili ko.

JIGS Ganito? Ano¹ng ganito?

Di sasagutin ni Yumi ang tanong.

YUMI These producers think all the people want is sex, sex, sex! Kaya puro basura ang mga pelikula e. Wine pa nga!

JIGS (Magsasalin ng wine) Bakit naman botique?

YUMI Hoy madaya ka na ha? Hindi pa ako lasing. Ako na¹ng magtatanong. Ang korni mo namang magtanong. Bigatan naman natin nang konti...Inom ka muna.

Iinom si Jigs. Magsasalin siya ng bago.

YUMI Who was your first crush in the barkada?

Tahimik.

YUMI Haha! Bingo ka no? Bagal mo naman sumagot.

Iinumin ang wine. Magsasalin ng bago.

JIGS Lalaki o babae?

Tatawa sila pareho.

YUMI Dapat may time limit ito e.

Tahimik.

JIGS Hirap naman ng tanong mo.

YUMI Iyon nga ang maganda e. Para may thrill. As if naman ibo-broadcast ko sa barkada kung sino.

JIGS Wine pa?

YUMI Di mo pa sinasagot yung tanong ko, nagtatanong ka na!

Magsasalin ng wine si Jigs kay Yumi.

JIGS Yung crush ko kasi...siyempre, sino pa ba? E di yung pinakamaganda sa barkada.

YUMI Nge. Subjective yon no! Para sa¹kin ang pinakagwapo si Joel. Sa babae, si Kay. Para kay Ronald, si Meg...

JIGS Yung literally na may dating'walang tanung-tanong. Yung kahit sino¹ng tanungin mo sa tropa, objectively, siya ang isasagot.

YUMI Jigs, twenty questions ang game natin. Hindi guessing game. C¹mon man. Play your own game. Pa¹no na kung truth or dare to e di pahirapan na. Dadalawa na nga lang tayo e.

JIGS Yung commercial model.

Matitigilan si Yumi.

YUMI Wine pa nga.

Magsasalin si Jigs. Mag-iisip si Yumi. Iinom. Biglang matatawa.

YUMI (Tumatawa pa rin) Talaga?

JIGS Sige, pagtawanan ba?

YUMI You can say it to my face, I won¹t bite. Bakit hirap na hirap kang sabihin kung sino? Takot kang ma-reject? Parang tanong lang e...Wine pa nga!

JIGS Okay, 1 point ka na...

YUMI (Ngiti) Gee...thanks. Flattered naman ako. At kailan naman nangyari ito?

JIGS Sorry, my turn to ask. (Ngingiti) Who is your crush in
the barkada...NOW?

YUMI E ginaya mo lang yung tanong ko e.

JIGS Hinde no. May qualifier ako. Ang sabi ko, NOW. Ang tanong mo, first crush ko.

YUMI Korni pa rin. Alam mo, kung basketball 'to, tambak ka na.

JIGS Just answer the question.

YUMI Siyempre wala. I told you, I don¹t have time for these stuff. Kakabreak ko lang di ba?

JIGS Korni mo namang sumagot.

YUMI E korni yung tanong e. Pero kung talagang-talagang kailangan kong sumagot...hmmm...teka...sino nga ba? Sino ba¹ng crush material sa barkada? Wala akong maisip e. Ikaw na lang.

JIGS Yung seryoso naman.

YUMI Seryoso ako. Ayaw mo yata e. Sige, iba na lang...

JIGS E napipilitan ka lang e.

YUMI Uy! Pa¹no ba¹yan? MU na tayo? Crush mo ko, crush kita...yiheee (Tatawa).

JIGS Dati pa 'yon no!

YUMI Ay? Di mo na ko crush? Bakit, na turn-off ka? Ano namang ginawa ko? Tsk. Tsk.

JIGS Is that your question na?

YUMI Oy, hinde! Ito naman...di ba pwedeng mag-follow-up?

Iinom ng wine si Jigs.

YUMI Fine. Here¹s a little juicy question: Describe your first kiss.

JIGS That¹s not even a question.

YUMI Arte mo. O: How was your first kiss like?

Matatawa si Jigs.

JIGS Wet.

YUMI Yuck!

Magtatawanan sila.

JIGS Alam mo, aksidente yung first kiss ko. Close kasi kami nung isa kong kaibigan. Pag naggu-goodbye ako sa kanya, parati ko siyang kini-kiss sa noo. E one time, sa gym habang nagpapahinga, nakaupo siya sa sahig. Tinatamad siyang tumayo. So bumaba ako nang konti para halikan siya sa noo kasi pauwi na ako. E siya naman, para maabot ko, medyo tumingala. E sakto, sa lips ko siya nahalikan. Pareho kaming nagulat. Pero di pa kami naghiwalay agad. Weird nga ang feeling e. Parang may glue. Ayaw na namin maghiwalay pareho...

Tawa pa rin si Yumi

YUMI Awww. Ang sweet naman. Parang sa pelikula. Si Krissy ba 'to?

JIGS Hindi. Hindi mo siya kilala.

YUMI So what happened? Nagkatuluyan kayo?

JIGS Nope.

YUMI Ha?

JIGS Ewan ko ba. Complicated kasi yung situation namin e. May boyfriend siya noon. Ako naman, takot pa sa isang relationship. Pero at least, na-discover namin na pareho pala kaming may gusto sa isa¹t isa. Pero hanggang doon na lang.

YUMI What happened after?

JIGS We talked about it. We both decided na it wont work. Tapos, bigla na lang, hindi na kami nagkikita. And then, I met you guys, iba na ang barkada ko.

YUMI Nakakatuwa naman.

JIGS Ikaw, pa¹no yung first kiss mo?

YUMI Ikaw ang nagturo sa akin ng game na ito di ba? Bakit ba lagi mong bini-break ang rules? Di mo na pwedeng tanungin 'yan!

JIGS Tine-testing ko lang kung lasing ka na. (Iinom ng wine) Okay, naka-warm-up na ako: What was the naughtiest thing you ever did?

YUMI 'Yan ang mga tanong! Ano ba¹ng ibig mong sabihin ng naughty?

JIGS Bahala kang mag-define.

YUMI Hmmm...marami e...(matatawa) baka maeskandalo ka.

JIGS Kanina ayaw mo ng korni. Ngayong medyo exciting naman...

YUMI Eto na...I had two boyfriends at the same time.

JIGS (Nagulat) Hala.

YUMI I was with Joel and Zach at the same time.

JIGS Yikes. Alam ba ni Joel?

YUMI Kaya nga kami naghiwalay nun e. Nahuli ako (matatawa).

JIGS Ano namang pumasok sa kukote mo¹t ginawa mo 'yon, aber?

YUMI Nag-eexperiment lang ako. E sa type ko sila pareho e. Ano¹ng magagawa ko? Saka para may thrill. Alam mo 'yon? Yung patago kang nakikipag-date sa isa para di mahuli. Everyday pa akong nakakalibre, kasi, alternate sila! (Tatawa) Akala n¹yo kayo lang mga lalaki ang pwedeng gumawa no¹n?

JIGS How can you love two guys at the same time?

YUMI Who said something about love? Walang kinalaman ang love dun. I was...having fun!

JIGS Nainlove ka na ba, ever?

YUMI Nakakailang tanong ka na? It¹s my turn.

JIGS Don¹t you want to answer the question anyway?

YUMI My turn!

JIGS Kulang ka pa sa wine. (Tatawa)

Ubos na ang unang wine bottle. Kukuha si Jigs ng isa pa sa ref.

JIGS Ang bilis nating uminom a.

YUMI Are you still a virgin?

JIGS Whoa! Where did that come from?

YUMI That¹s my fourth question.

JIGS (Magsasalin ng wine sa mga baso). Ano sa tingin mo?

Ngingiti si Jigs. Tititigan lang siya ni Yumi.

YUMI Don¹t tell me, wala pang nangyayari sa inyo ni Krissy hanggang ngayon? Ilang taon na ba kayo?

JIGS Mag-tu-two years na sana next week.

YUMI So virgin ka pa? I don¹t believe it!

JIGS Mukha ba akong tarantado?

YUMI Mukha kang nagpapaiyak ng babae e.

JIGS Insulto ba 'yon?

YUMI Compliment 'yon, tanga.

JIGS Ah, okay. Thanks.

YUMI Pero, you mean, you never felt the urge to do it?

JIGS Alin? Sex?

YUMI Wow! Nasabi rin niya!

JIGS Of course I always feel it. Natural lang 'yon sa tao no? Nasa iyo na lang OEyan kung ano¹ng gagawin mo sa urge na 'yon.

YUMI E natural naman pala e. Bakit mo pinipigilan? I mean, pag naiihi ka, iihi ka. Pag nagugutom ka, kakain ka. Pareho lang 'yon, di ba?

JIGS Pag naiihi ka, iihi ka dahil kailangan mong umihi. At hindi ka iihi kahit saan. Pupunta ka sa banyo. Pag nagugutom ka, kakain ka dahil kailangan. At hindi mo kinakain ang lahat ng pagkain na ihain sa iyo. Pag di ka gutom, di ka kakain. Pag di mo gusto yung pagkain, di mo gagalawin. Ang aso, pag may nakitang pagkain diyan, walang tanung-tanong. Lalamon 'yan.

YUMI And sex is the same?

JIGS Lahat ng bagay, nilalagay sa lugar. May context. At least, yun ang nagpaiba sa atin sa aso.

YUMI Grabe ka namang magsalita. Para mo na ring sinabing lahat ng nakikipagsex, aso ah!

JIGS Sinasabi ko lang, pag wala sa tamang konteksto, mali.

YUMI And what is that context?

JIGS Matanda na tayo. Ayokong maging preachy. Alam na natin 'yan.

Tahimik.

JIGS Kaso, kahit alam na natin, minsan di pa rin natin ginagawa.

Tahimik.

JIGS Masarap e. Sino ba¹ng ayaw nun?

Tahimik.

YUMI (Medyo nairita) So feeling mo santo ka at dapat kang i-congratulate for being a virgin!

JIGS Sinasabi ko lang ang pinaniniwalaan ko. Ineexplain ko lang kung bakit di ko ginagawa. May kanya-kanya tayong dahilan. Di ko pinipilit kahit kanino ang mga paniniwala ko...No need to get so cross about it, Yumi.

Tahimik.

JIGS It¹s not about being a virgin or not. It¹s about putting things into their proper places.

YUMI I¹m not arguing with you.

JIGS Me neither. I¹m just answering your questions.

Matagal na katahimikan.

Ngingiti si Jigs. Titignan niya si Yumi na medyo nairita sa nakaraang train of conversation nila. Magsasalin siya ng wine para kay Yumi.

JIGS Nasobrahan ka na yata sa wine e. (Tatawa) You still wanna go on with the game? Nine pa lang tayo, eleven more to go. (Ngingiti)

YUMI Shoot me.

JIGS Who was your first lay?

YUMI (Hahampasin ng unan si Jigs) Ang bastos mo talaga! So inaassume mo na hindi na ako virgin?

JIGS E sabi mo kasi, walang thrill ang game pag walang nananalo e. So I guess I¹m winning. Saka wala naman akong inimply na ganun a! I¹m just hitting two birds with one stone. Kasi kung virgin ka, e di simple lang ang sagot: wala. Kung hindi naman, e di sino?

YUMI Ang daya mo.

JIGS Akala ko ba ayaw mo ng korning tanong.

YUMI You think I¹ll answer that after giving your sermon, Father Jigs?

JIGS Ano ka ba? Inexplain ko lang yung personal reasons ko. Kung ano man ang sa iyo, I¹ll respect them as well as I know you respect mine. I¹m no saint. I¹m just trying to get to know you better. (Ngingiti)

YUMI How do you do that?

JIGS Alin?

YUMI I should have walked out on you kanina pa pero the way you say things...parang bumabaliktad sa¹yo... makes you more... charming. Kung ibang tao ka siguro, di na kita kakausapin.

JIGS You can¹t walk out. We¹re locked here for three days except for meals.

YUMI So I¹m forced to like you para di masira ang vacation ko. (Ngingiti)

JIGS You don¹t have to answer my question if you don¹t want.

YUMI I guess I¹ll be honest with you as you were honest with me...

Tahimik. Iinom ng wine si Yumi.

YUMI Di mo siya kilala. His name was Robert. He was my first boyfriend. It was Senior Prom Night. Alam mo na...typical senior prom story. Everyone wants to lose it on prom night. Everyone thinks na pag prom night, it was something special. We went out sa hall nang maaga. We made out sa kotse niya. One thing led
to the other. Tapos, yun...yun na. We went back just in time for the awarding of the prom queen. Guess what, I won pa. (Mahinang tawa)

JIGS What was it like?

YUMI Now that I look back, it isn¹t as special as I thought it was. Pero it was different then. Back then, we were just led by our passions. Alam mo yon? Andun ka na. Hormones raging wild. Passions and Ideals are confused. Akala mo love, yun pala,curious ka lang pala. Akala mo yun na yon. Akala mo you are in-love at lahat ng gawin mo tama. Lahat ng gawin mo perfect. everything was magical...well, almost.

JIGS Almost...?

YUMI Sa next question mo na 'yan. Ako na.

JIGS (Pabiro) Wine pa? Kulang ka pa yata e.

YUMI Nilalasing mo ko no? May balak ka sa¹kin no? (Tatawa)

JIGS Is that your question? Sasagutin ko na. (Tatawa)

YUMI Engot. Hindi 'yon. Here¹s something na curious lang ako. Kasi I¹ve been hearing things...saka you¹ve hinted on it na rin kanina...Are you still with Krissy?

JIGS Hindi na.

YUMI Since when?

JIGS Two, maybe three weeks ago?

YUMI Sino¹ng nakipag-break?

JIGS Pareho kami.

YUMI Why?

JIGS Maraming dahilan, actually. Naisip na lang namin na it won¹t work. Isa na do¹n, magkaiba kami ng gustong mangyari sa buhay. Magkaiba kami ng mga pinaniniwalaan.

YUMI Like what?

JIGS Marami.

YUMI At ngayon mo lang nalaman iyon after two years with her?

JIGS People change, Yumi.

Tahimik.

JIGS Right before graduation, she asked me to move in with her.

YUMI Talaga?

JIGS Sabi niya, doon na naman din daw papunta ang relasyon namin. Might as well practice na raw for the real thing. Tutal, she¹s working na naman, ako naman bagong graduate, we should try out na raw living together if it¹ll work for us.

YUMI Natakot ka sa arrangement?

JIGS Hindi naman sa natakot. If you love someone, ano pa¹ng ikakatakot mo, di ba?

YUMI E bakit umayaw ka?

JIGS It¹s just that, it¹s not my thing.

YUMI Sabi na nga ba e, bakla ka no? Sinasayang mo ang opportunities! (Matatawa)

JIGS Hindi ako oportunista. At lalong hindi ako bakla.

YUMI Fine.

JIGS Naisip ko lang na hindi pa pala ako handa sa mga ganitong bagay. Wala pa sa isip ko ang gano¹n. Na-shock siguro ako sa reality na iyon na nga ang next step sa relationship namin. I mean, two years of being together and knowing each other, we¹re practically ready to get married, if you know what I mean. Pero I realized, I¹m not ready for any of these. Narealize ko how immature I am. Na iba yung ideals ko two years ago sa ideals ko ngayon. I need to mature some more to get into this thing. I mean, getting married. Diyos ko, ilang taon lang ba ako...

YUMI Maturity has nothing to do with age.

JIGS But it has a lot to do with time.

Tahimik.

JIGS So I thought, bakit kailangan ng practice mode? Ibig sabihin, pag sumablay kami, split na kami? Live like a couple minus the commitment? Pa¹no pag nawala na yung magic? Goodbye na?

Iinom ng wine si Jigs.

JIGS Kung kasal na, kasal na. Wala nang practice. I think that¹s the real cowardice. Yung i-try muna natin kung it will work kasi takot kayo na baka hindi maging successful ang outcome. Saan na napunta ang excitement ng buhay? Kaya nga kayo in-love, para sabay kayong humarap sa totoong buhay, sa hirap at ginahawa, di ba? (Matatawa) Hindi yung pagpapraktisan muna ninyo para siguradong ginhawa lang.

Magkikibit-balikat lang si Jigs.

YUMI Are you always like that?

JIGS Like what?

YUMI So cerebral in everything. Kahit pagdating sa relationships.

JIGS Life is too precious para lang daanin sa trial and error.

Ngingiti si Jigs. Tahimik.

YUMI So, No hard feelings?

JIGS Friends pa rin kami. She still calls me up nga sa bahay e.

YUMI That¹s nice.

JIGS Kayo, bakit kayo nagbreak ni Carlo?

YUMI That¹s your sixth na ha?

JIGS Sure.

YUMI Alam mo, ironic para sa akin yung break-up namin ni Carlo. And the funny thing was, it was about...sex. Uy, sa atin lang ito ha?

JIGS Of course.

YUMI Kasi nga, I was looking for that magic nga di ba? I wanted to be in a relationship na special naman. So of all the boyfriends I had, sa kanya lang ako walang sexual relationship. As in nag-aabstain talaga ako. Kasi parang naisip ko, para magkaroon naman ng meaning yung ³making love² di ba? Parang, dapat di mo parating ginagawa, at ginagawa mo lang when you are sincere with yourself and with your partner. So I was investing muna emotionally. And I was actually starting to care about him. Yung, hindi ko na iniisip yung sarili ko. Yung siya lang ang inaalala ko. Akala ko perfect na...

JIGS Ano¹ng nangyari?

YUMI Patunayan ko raw na mahal ko siya. Magbigay daw ako ng proof. Pagbigyan ko raw siya. Sabi ko sa kanya, hindi pa ba sapat na proof 'yon? Na I¹m saving myself for that right moment, that special moment between us? Alam mo¹ng ginawa? Nilayasan ako!

JIGS You deserve someone better.

YUMI Talaga!

YUMI Isipin mo, kung kelan naman I grew tired of meaningless sex, when I¹m looking for the real thing, saka naman mawawala. Ang ironic ng buhay no?

JIGS That¹s the way we must learn.

YUMI Alam mo, kung tutuusin, never ko pang na-experience yung tunay na mag make-love. And I had to go all through those relationships para lang ma-realize yun. At least, ngayon, alam ko na ang hinahanap ko.

Iinom ng wine.

YUMI Ikaw ba, importante sa¹yo na virgin ang mapapangasawa mo? How do you see virginity ba?

JIGS Alam mo, di ko pa napag-isipan 'yan. Pero now that you¹ve mentioned it...It doesn¹t matter kung virgin ang mapangasawa ko o hindi. Of course I value virginity a lot. I treat it as the only real gift I could give to my wife to be. Imaginin mo na lang di ba, kung wife ko ang una ko. It¹s like the perfect wedding gift I could give to her. Pero kung siya hindi na virgin, I wouldn¹t care. As long as mahal ko siya. Kasi I don¹t expect her to give me the same gift. I don¹t do something because I expect people to do the same to me. Ibigay niya sa akin ang sarili niya nang buong-buo, sapat na sa akin 'yon. Masaya na ako sa ganoon.

YUMI (Mapapangiti si Yumi.) You know, that¹s the nicest thing I ever heard from a guy. That¹s why I always enjoy talking to you. You always say the nicest things.

JIGS Wow. Salamat. E ikaw, is making love to you equal to love?

YUMI I always took sex and love as opposite ideas. I mean, after the first time na...you know...sa Senior prom. Kasi afterwards, we broke up na ni Robert. Tapos naisip ko, yun na ba yung love? Baka hindi love yung naramdaman ko. Baka napagkamalan ko lang siyang love. I was just after the pleasure of intimacy. And then I felt empty. So empty. That¹s why I wanted to change. I wanted to believe in ³making love.² And I¹m still looking for it. Yung magic. Yung feeling mo, tao ka pala. I never felt that kahit isang beses. Men have penetrated my body but never my soul. And I wanted that. I wanted someone to touch my soul. To ³make love² to my soul through my body. Pero siguro, naging numb na¹ko sa dami ng relasyong pinagdaanan ko. Hindi ko alam kung mararanasan ko pa iyon. That¹s why I envy you.

Tahimik.

YUMI Sa tingin mo may pag-asa pa ako?

JIGS You still have your soul...(Ngingiti)

Tahimik.

YUMI With whom would you want to experience it?

JIGS Of course, sa asawa ko.

YUMI I mean, someone in particular. Take it as my seventh question. So give a name.

JIGS A name? Hindi ko alam. Basta kung sino ang magiging asawa ko.

Tahimik. Magkikibit-balikat si Yumi. Iinom ng wine.

JIGS Well, I always thought na it was Krissy. And then, it was just gone. Of course I loved her. And I still do. Pero the magic was just gone after we both found out na magkaiba kami ng mga prinsipyo sa buhay.

Tahimik.

JIGS My turn?

YUMI Shoot me.

JIGS Tell me something...a secret. Yung wala kahit isang nakakaalam.

Matagal na katahimikan.

JIGS You trust me naman di ba?

YUMI Well, you¹ve earned it, alright.

JIGS Saka wala akong tinatago sa¹yo. Sinagot ko lahat ng tanong mo as honestly as I could. (Ngingiti)

YUMI I uhm...

JIGS Yes...?

YUMI I need more wine.

Magsasalin si Jigs ng wine.

JIGS Take your time. We have less than fifty hours to go.

Iinom ng wine si Yumi.

YUMI I¹ll tell you something no one in the world knows except one other person. And that person probably forgot all about me already.

IGS (Pabiro) What? You had sex with a stranger?

YUMI Ano ka ba?

JIGS Biro lang. Seryoso na.

YUMI Promise ha? Hindi ito lalabas.

JIGS Promise.

YUMI If this goes out, I will hunt you kahit sa libingan mo. Huhukayin kita at papatayin kita ulit.

JIGS Mamatay man ako ngayon.

YUMI Okay...(Pause) I...I was with Joel then... (Magiging mas seryoso ang tono niya) ...and Zach. I wasn¹t really with Zach, I was just going out with him pag wala si Joel, alam mo na...making out and stuff... Well, anyway, I was kinda serious din naman with Joel that time. Joel and I were...you know... doing it. And...

JIGS And...?

YUMI Uhm...I...uhm...I got pregnant.

JIGS What?

Tahimik. Iinom ng wine si Yumi.

YUMI I uhm...shit. Hindi ko naman talaga ginusto e. Uhm...Two months akong delayed...then I took that test. I found out na buntis nga ako...and Joel found out about Zach (maluha-luha na) and I didn¹t know what to say, you know? Maniniwala ba naman sa akin si Joel na naaliw lang ako kay Zach? Na I didn¹t really love him? Na wala lang iyon? And so he broke up with me and... I... uhm... I was afraid and uhm... (Magsisimula siyang magbreak-down)

JIGS It¹s okay...

YUMI I uhm...hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko, Joel left me. I wanted to tell him about the baby to make him come back but I don¹t think he¹d believe me after the thing with Zach... and... my parents are gonna kill me if...shit. (iiyak)

JIGS (lalapit kay Yumi para i-console ito) Ssshhh...you don¹t have to tell me this if it upsets you...

YUMI And so I went to a clinic...(hahagulgol) I didn¹t mean to, Jigs. I wasn¹t myself then. And I felt so afraid. So alone...

JIGS Tahan na. Ssshhh...

Iiyak lang si Yumi kay Jigs. Yayakapin ni Jigs si Yumi.

JIGS Alam ba 'to ni Joel?

YUMI How can I tell him? The only other person na nakakaalam ay yung duktor sa clinic. God...(iiyak) Oh God...

JIGS It¹s alright...

Hihimasin ni Jigs ang likod ni Yumi. Patatahanin niya ito. Matagal silang nakaganito lang.

Matagal na katahimikan.

YUMI Can you get me my yosi?

Tatayo si Jigs. Pupunta sa may side table sa tabi ng kama. Kukunin ang Yosi ni Yumi. Magsisindi siya ng isa at iaabot kay Yumi.

YUMI Thanks...

Matagal na katahimikan.

YUMI If we were...if we were the last two people on earth, would you consider doing it with me?

JIGS Doing what?

YUMI Alam mo na...

JIGS Alin? (Teasing ngingiti)

YUMI Gago mo. (Ngingiti)

JIGS Ngumiti rin.

YUMI So? Would you?

JIGS Alin nga? Di mo masabi no? Bakit di mo masabi? (Pagtatawanan si Yumi) Sabihin mo nga: Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex!

YUMI Shut up nga!

JIGS That¹s your eight na, ha?

YUMI I lost count. Answer it.

JIGS Why not?

Hihithit ng yosi si Yumi. Tahimik. Sasandal si Yumi sa balikat ni Jigs.

JIGS If you could be something else, what would you be?

YUMI I dunno...maybe a violin...yeah. Violin siguro.

JIGS Bakit?

YUMI I always saw the relationship of a violin and its player as very intimate. Pag tumutugtog ang violinist, ang nakikita ko at naririnig ko, he strokes the soul of the instrument and the instrument penetrates the soul of the player. Para silang nagmi-make love. Di ba? Very sexy, very intimate, very sublime. Di ba? Pareho silang sincere sa isa¹t isa. Dahil kung hindi sila sincere, walang music na mabubuo. The violin surrenders her body to her player, her whole body and her whole soul, in full trust and sincerity. Di ba, compared to the sound of the other instruments, ang tunog ng violin parang isang naked woman? A naked woman in surrender? I want to be a violin. I want to be stroked in the soul. I want to make sincere music. I want to experience the sound of love.

Tahimik.

JIGS Lalim nun ah. (Ngingiti)

YUMI Pa¹no mo malalamang in-love ka na?

JIGS Paano? I don¹t think there¹s a formula to that. Basta malalaman mo na lang. I mean, ilang beses lang ba nangyari sa akin 'yon? I¹d like to believe na yun na nga 'yon...yung kay Krissy...

YUMI Kwento mo nga...paano mo narealize dati na mahal mo nga si Krissy?

JIGS Alam mo nakakatawa...korni actually. Babalik na naman ako sa pagiging korni nito e. Di ba ayaw mo sa korni.

YUMI Sige na. Hindi na kita aasarin.

JIGS I heard bells.

YUMI Ano?

JIGS Seryoso. Bigla na lang, habang nag-uusap kami, may narinig na lang akong bells, tapos music. Ewan ko kung iniimagine ko lang 'yon pero yun ang nangyari. Nakakatawa nga e. Parang kanta ng Beatles.

YUMI Seryoso ka ba?

JIGS O baka naman nagkataon noong oras na yon, may nagkakantahan sa kung saan sa school. Basta may narinig akong bells. Tapos napangiti ako. Pagtingin ko sa mata niya, iba na ang nakikita ko. Hindi ko na siya nakita as kabarkada lang. Biglang parang may magic. Hindi ko ma-explain. Baduy pero ganun. Tapos I just seized the moment. Umamin ako. A week later, kami na.

YUMI Korni nga. (Matatawa)

JIGS Korni talagang pakinggan. Pero pag nandun ka na. Pag naranasan mo na, feeling mo, hindi na korni.

Ngingiti si Yumi. Tahimik.

YUMI Alam mo, may times na parang tunog violin ang boses mo. O lasing lang ako?

Tahimik.

JIGS I¹m into my last question.

Iaangat ni Yumi ang ulo niya.

YUMI Shoot me. Better make it good.

JIGS If you were again to be the next victim of this tradition, if you were to be locked up in this room again...who would you want the next guy to be?

YUMI (Mag-iisip) I want someone whom I could talk to... Yung makukwentuhan ko ng mga sikreto ko. Yung may sense makipag-usap. Yung may laman. The violin player who¹d stroke my strings...not even. Yung mapapatunog niya ang strings ko without even touching them. (Tahimik) Lumuluwag na ang dila ko...kung anu-ano na ang nasasabi ko. (Ngingiti)

Tititigan lang ni Jigs si Yumi. Tahimik.

YUMI Siyempre yung masarap kausap.

Tahimik. Hindi makatingin si Yumi.

YUMI Yung kahit habambuhay wala kaming gawin kundi mag-usap... I think it¹s better than making love.

Mapapatingin si Yumi kay Jigs.

YUMI Gosh I want to kiss you so badly.

Matitigilan siya.

YUMI I can¹t believe I just said that.

Tahimik. Titignan niya ulit si Jigs.

YUMI Don¹t you want to kiss me?

Pause. Titignan siya ni Jigs sa mata.

JIGS Is that your last question? (Ngingiti si Jigs)

YUMI Yes.

DILIM

=====
under extreme complexities, intense simplicities emerge

I'm so tired...

From Yan Mei, to Fred

2004-10-02T00:51:30Z

yan_mei05 (9/30/04 7:47:15 AM): thank you for being so friendly to me.. sometimes i am just not grateful enough to have known someone like you.. sorry sometimes i have been a little bit selfish and snob (unintentional naman)..haha :D Thank you for making me feel so welcome sa clc din at first and you have always been a great friend. when you graduate and leave us hope you wont forget that you've ever met me. good luck with all of your endeavors and hope you will have bright future and may God continues to shower you with all of the blessings and guidance. take care.. i will miss you for sure. >:D

Jogging was nice

2004-09-30T07:52:32Z

Jogged again today with I.C. We were kinda faster today 'coz he didn't stop as much as he did last time. And no-meat diet day number 7. One week na.

What's been happening to me for the past few days.

2004-09-28T14:11:19Z

I'm tired, almost to the point of sickness. Tired of the boredom, that is. that's why I've decided to go through some new things.

1) I've decided to jog every T-Th morning (started last Th) with whomever I want to jog with. So far, it's only been I.C. this morning (no one was available last Thursday eh). He has pretty low endurance, so we had to stop every 20 minutes or so for him to catch his breath. Oh well... I love the way his hair bounces when we run. And his legs look pretty nice din. Anlabo, his supper body skin is tan, while his legs are almost milky white. Uneven skin tones. Anyways... We had to start really early 'coz we both had 7:30 classes, and as he dormed at Varsity Hills, he wanted to go home first before his Math class. We were supposed to meet by 5, but when I called him, he just woke up. Oh well, that's I.C. for you. But what I really enjoyed was the conversation that followed after our jog. I mean, tired, dripping with sweat, we still had a pretty decent talk in the Aegis room (the ANI room was way too messy to stay in). We just chatted about the stuff that bothers him, like Math 11 grades, how basically uselss basic English is, how he's looking forward to the next semester, that he can't go to the retreat, etc. Then we moved on to differences in culture, then on to the possible sex scandal areas in Ateneo that people can get it on without getting caught (hehe, it was fun speculating), then the history of the buildings. All in all, it was superficial, but it was mind-clearing anyways (considering I had a philo LT in an hour or so).
It got me thinking about a lot of things. Why can't I just bottle it all in myself without having to attach myself to anyone, no matter how superficial the attachment is? There I was, emotionally disturbed, spiritually rebellious, mentally exhausted, and most of all just wanting to be alone, but I discovered that it was perfectly okay with me to be alone with someone I went jogging with. Plus, he has no idea that I'm bothered, he thinks I'm perfectly okay, so he's not offering consolation of any kind, which is why we were able to talk about super-superficial stuff without it getting all awkward. I guess it all still roots down to the fact that man is the social animal; that man cannot be satisfied being alone. Come to think of it, the hermits who live so far away from civilization aren't truly alone, are they? They seek the company of nature that no human can provide. Even the monks who shun themselves away from worldly pleasures have locked themselves up in their fortresses with each other. Even the saints in exile were able to survive banishment because they believe/d that God is with them. Even goths like me who have sworn that loneliness is not entirely uhealthy need the company of someone else every once in a while.
No. Man cannot be truly alone. It is man's greatest fear to be alone. What makes the difference is the company you will spend your time with. Man will always have company, but that doesn't mean man will not be lonely.
In any case, I was glad I.C. said yes to my ivitation to jog. I'm looking forward to Thursday already, even if I have a LT with Fr. Arcilla later on that day.

2) I've also decided to go on a no-meat diet. The last piece of meat I ate was on Thursday, after the VocPromo where we were served KFC chicked as merienda. After that meal, no more meat until I get bored with my diet again. It hasn't been hard, surprisingly. My willpower holds up when I think of the fact that if I eat that meat, I support the death of the creature that provided that meat. What's been challenging was that the Cafeteria is not so supportive. I've only just realized how much variety there is to cooking meat and how the cafeteria relies on meat as their selling point. The only orders from the cafeteria I've been able to eat during this diet is Waffler's Combo #4, with the modification that I trade the hotdog for more potato salad (for those who are wondering: market chicken eggs are unfertilized, and no life is taken from eating chicken eggs). I could eat the psata with Pesto from YL Healthy Kitchen but I don't like the taste. Well, this lack of variation lead to one thing: magbaon ng sariling pagkain. Tipid pa, diba?
I'm still exploring the different ways I can combine fruits, vegetables, and dairy products to make a tasty meal. The best I'm able to come up with yet is the Tofu cubes-garlic-onion-tomato-bell pepper meal stir-fried in butter (that was my baon kanina).
I think this supports one reflection I've been having during the past week: it's not just that change is constant, but that we also desire for change. But the best way to accomplish that change is by not noticing that you are changing. Like now, I can hardly believe that I've been on a no-meat diet for five days now. Oh well... I think this is a variation of my no-dinner diet when I wanted to lose weight. Also, I'll just make this point really really obvious: I'm not on the no-meat diet to lose weight. I'm in it for the change, the possible spiciness it'll add to my life. It's holding up, so far. I kinda like the way I am now.

3) I now realize that I actually don't want most people to know me deeply. It's like a don't-get-anywhere-near-me mentality, and I'm not entirely sad about it. Truth be told, I'd rather be left alone nowadays. I don't want to go through the tiring effort of having to make people understand me. I think I've simplified it to: it's either you do or you don't. It makes much more sense for me to follow that philosophy, with the exception, of course, of philo discussions 'coz it's with those that knowledge grows. All in all, I'm pretty happy with how I am.

angelli_rebelli @ 2004-09-28T08:42:00

2004-09-28T00:44:42Z

I am now here.